because i wanted to see what it felt like.
because i wanted to be a rebel.
because i wanted to feel like i at least had some control of my life - that i was at least able to control whether a wore a seat belt or not.
i guess it was kinda like a cheap sky-dive or snowboarding session - new, dangerous, life threatening.
this decision came after leaving work at 1am after being there since 730am (minus lunch). the whole time at work i have been stressed about how behind i am and how much work i have to do, yet i was unable to bring myself to do the work. i was too lazy to focus and just do it. it wasn't that difficult of a task either. just some excel stuff. instead i surfed the internet and read news for hours on end. and i didn't go home because in my head, i kept telling myself in a few minutes, i'll buckle down and work hard for a few hours and get it done. that never happened.
days like this happen maybe 3 days a week. some times i would then get in the car, start the engine, start driving, and yell "fuck" as loud as i can. and then i do it again for a longer period of time, holding the uuuhhhh part at the top of my lungs. and then i take a deep breath to do it again. but i'm too tired so i just exhale and stop.
i guess maybe my seatbelt example is similar to that explanation about how porn and masturbation are used as a way to exercise control by someone who is going through anger or loneliness. i never really understood or agreed with that explanation. i just find porn and masturbation to be very addictive.
oh, and about once every two or three days, i fail to brush my teeth. one of my new year's resolutions has become to brush my teeth twice a day.
i think a major sign of a quarter life crisis, mild depression, or just the fact that i'm a terrible person...
is that i have not been a man of my word during this period of my life.
and i hate it.
in these past few months it almost seems like...
every deadline i committed to, i missed
every promise i gave, i broke
every appointment i made, i was late to
every friendship i had, i strained
every temptation i met, i gave in
every test i took, i failed
every free moment i had, i wasted
every girl i wanted to speak with, i was too afraid to approach
every bridge, burned
every flower, faded
although that's an exaggeration, many days it indeed feels like it.
some possible additions to the list:
every joke i made, sucked
pimple on my face, hurt like hell
alarm clock buzz. the alarm clock produces a sound so disruptive, so rude. i slammed it with the palm of my hand, hoping i hit the snooze button. i did. i sat up in my bed. it was very quiet, very cold. my bed was warm. i could see my breath. i looked around and grabbed a bottle of pills from my nightstand and shook out a pill onto my palm. three pills came out. "what if i ate all three", i wondered. that'll be 300 mg of caffeine. probably nothing will happen. i put two of the pills back in and popped the remaining one in my mouth. i pulled the sheets back over my shoulder and went back to sleep until the next snooze. maybe the caffeine would've kicked in by then. damn. a new day, maybe one day i'll be less lazy and actually buy coffee.
six hours and another caffeine pill later i paced around the the courtyard of my office. stepping on some dried leaves. I was trying not to make eye contact with co-workers walking in and out of the building, going to-and-from meetings. So many meetings. I had so much work and I was so behind. And it wasn’t like the work was boring either. It was actually kinda interesting, and my co-workers were pretty cool. I didn't even know why I was talking a break outside. “I’m just taking a work-break, getting some fresh air and sunlight” I told myself.
BS. I was in a quarter life crisis and didn't want to stay on earth anymore. That’s why I was taking a break outside.
The next train to 5-West was taking off in a few hours from Los Angeles Intermodal Station. i had a ticket. all I had to do was take the 30 minute drive to get to the Station. Forget this. Forget trying to go back inside to get some more work done. I’m gonna start this long weekend early. I went back inside, packed up my stuff, and took the roundabout exit out to my car to avoid having to walk past my managers.
the drive to the Station was pretty pleasant. the trains ran underground of course so you couldn't see them from the freeway, but as you approach the airport portion of the Station, you get to see the planes line up in their landing pattern in the sky. i was looking at the planes when someone in a white lexus recklessly zoomed past me and cut me off. the speed limit was 120, i for once was lawfully obeying it, but the lexus must've at least been going 150. i used to drive recklessly like that too, and i don't know if it was because of the music i was listening to, or just the fact that i was bored, but i decided to chase it down a bit. besides, i didn't get the turbo edition of my car for nothing. i disabled the autodrive and took control control of the vehicle, Shifted into sports mode - 125, 130, 145, 160, 170. i caught up pretty easily. i intended to drive by and have the lexus eat my dust.
just as i was about pass, i took quick glance to see what kind of a person was behind the wheel. it was a girl. about my age, from what i saw through the tinted windows. she seemed attractive too...
whatever. see you later. i stepped on the gas a little harder and engaged the turbo.
she must've been reading my mind because she accelerated right after i did. in fact she must've hit the burners because she was half a car length behind me and edging up. 170, 175, 180... this was turning into a race. we were going a bit too fast... even for me. the freeway had a slight left turn and i was on the left of her, so i had a shorter distance because of the turn, but she was still gaining ground and by the end of the turn we were dead even.
the lane was merging up ahead and there were cars on our sides and in front of us. do i push it and risk a 42 car pile up and the death of innocent men, women, and children?
nah, maybe on a cloudy day, but i was going on a mini vacation. you can have this race.
i let off the accelerator and let her into my lane in front of me. we both braked hard to avoid killing the cars in front of us as we slowed down to the regular speed of traffic. a few seconds later she took the off ramp of the right. i almost wanted to follow her a bit to see where she'd go and what her life story was. maybe next time.
i parked my car in long term parking and proceeded to my terminal.
the walls and ceiling of the entire terminal was made of what seemed like one huge piece of glass. i couldn't even find any seams where two pieces of glass came together. i'm not sure whether it's because of the vast openness of the architecture, or the very soothing chimes that they played every hour, but train stations and airports always gave me this unique feeling. like as if i was about to embark on something important.
i felt like there should've been some some music going on as i walked through the terminal towards the check-in counter. there certainly was music going on in my head. it was an old song called "intro" by the xx.
"alrighty sir, you're all set for the 1230 express train to Five West, Outer Geosynchronous Orbit. Your gate is 23, and your seat is..."
the attendant looked down at my ticket as she was handing it to me, "15a, so it looks like you'll be in our business class today." she looked up and smiled. she was probably surprised that i was sitting business class given that i was wearing a hoodie and jeans. yeah i was surprised too. thank you monopoly deal for the letting me win the free ticket.
i smiled back. "thank you". i took the ticket, and picked up my carry on. as i turned away from the counter i noticed the person waiting next in line. was that the girl driving the other car? i couldn't really tell. we made eye contact. i smiled and nodded as if to say "good day". she didn't smile, and walked past me to the counter.
she must've thought i was an idiot or some sort of creep. sigh. whatever, i'll never see you in my life ever again.
life is so weird. why do we do what we do?
we built bridges that spanned across oceans. we built mass drivers and space elevators that made propelling humans into space cheaper than going to kansas. we built gundams to mine asteroids and fight space battles. we built the ansible to communicate faster than light, and then we perfected warp drive to travel faster than light without the effects of time dilation. did the scientists who built those things desire to do that? or was it because they needed to work to make a living? if everyone had all the food and wealth they could want, what would they do? would these scientific discoveries still have been made?
my current state of life feels like bon iver Holocene's melody. broken, sad, and angry.
fucked up beyond all recognition and lacking the will power to pick myself up. because if i do, it's just gonna be fake. it's just gonna break again
i covet so much. and i become so disappointed with myself
i so wish i was smarter, younger, taller, richer
i've been spending around 20 hours a week doing homework for this one class that others have told me should take about 5 to 6 hours a week.
i quit trying to be an engineer. i can't do this anymore. it's too fucking hard.
i can't compete anymore. i'm too tired.
if romney becomes president, it's gonna take him a while to move in, learn where all the bathrooms are, find out the best balcony to chill on, and how to speed dial his friends on a phone that has more buttons than a keyboard:
it'll take him maybe 50 to 60 hours to learn that stuff? (training time)
but that's just the small stuff.
to become fully productive, it'll at least take a few months.
("A survey of 610 CEOs by Harvard Business School estimates that typical mid-level managers require 6.2 months to reach their break-even point." -some random site that i'm sure is credible)
but that's just for 1 person.
there's also paul ryan and friends and a whole suite of other people. they're all gonna have to learn where the bathroom is and how to speed dial their hero netanyahu.